im just hopelessly hopeful youre just hopeless enough

♥spoon out my heart. then shove the pain into it and i will carry the burden for you♥

2005-07-08T02:19:31Z

</a></font></a>x__________riot </font>

Go ahead...I think that you would like that girl if you got to know her. She can be cool sometimes, other times, shes annoying. She usually says whats on her mind, which sometimes can be pretty dumb things, other times she can be your perfect friend. she doesn't like to be vulnerable, or say stright out what she feels or thinks because, obviously, she will be judged...harshly. And she actually, pathetically cares about what others think...

She's going to start over..and thinks that this is where she'll start that process. By September , she'll look different, have new confidence, feel smarter, more independent (because fuck guys right!), and she'll have a new master plan. This is her summer of change. watch out.

goodbye <3

should i be doing this?

2005-07-07T01:49:51Z

while mascara was bleeding from her eyes,
she reached for the tissues
you would of thought she'd use it to clean the dripping blood on her wrists;
that's what you would expect from someone,
but then again,
she's not just someone
you never know what will hapen with her...
she used it to blow her nose.
=]

She looked at herself in the mirror
and saw everything she hates.
A circular face that was the victim of laughter
Two nostrils for a nose,
and worn-out black eyes
She looked into her eyes the way she wished someone else would
and saw the smile that many had complimented
but realized that if you looked longer
a split second more,
you could see all the pain that she's felt
Scared that her pain was so visable,
she knew what she had to do then...

I don't want to open my eyes
and see the truth
I don't want to have to accept what's there.
Tell me that I can just pass you by,
that I dont have to care
Because that's want to hear,
Its not that I want to forget you,
I dont want to deal with you
I cant take it,
We should just let go.
You just aren't satisfying me anymore.

How about we mix it up
and we change some things..
I dont like the way things are going now
I'm headed in the wrong direction,
i know i am.
I cant stand what im going through
it's something that I didn't want to deal with
i heard that ppl like me...
that we have problems,
but i don't need help
leave me alone.

I don't like you people anymore,
we've had our fun
and our jokes are all the same
let's call it quits
cause you're not who i thought you were
we are just friends because of the way things work,
i know i would have never talked to you
i know what's to blame,
it's our families
i mean, they put us there.
We really should go our seperate ways...
i know what kind of friends i want
they kind i can have fun with,
and do anything with,
you don't have the same adrenilene rush
you're too good.

it's where the heart is <33

2005-06-30T07:15:45Z

I'm not posting all the pictures, because that is alot, and most of them, those who look, won't really care for those, and be intrigued by them. If you would like to see more though..you can come over and look at all of them.. which is an uber bunch. Most of these are just family people, and a couple others. Most of my photos from Roatan (the bay island where we were for a week) got lost--somehow deleted off my digital. It was gorgeous there, and losing them bums me out alot. I have no idea what any of you will think of these, and really, if you don't have anything that I would want to hear, or have something mean to say.. eat it. I don't care. =]

Alright. Since none of you know who any of theses people are.. I'll be along for ride narrating. Oh yay. I could re-live that trip forever. I'm going back next summer too.. you're invited if you like adventures and feeling good about helping people. Although..I have to warn you..if you aren't good with change..and a different lifestyle..you're probably complain alot. Most will want air conditioning since its hella humide there, if you can ignore all the men there..good, can you stand sweating alot?, wanting to take 3 showers a day, not wearing makeup everyday, washing some clothing in the sink, having horrible water pressure, and sometimes no hot water--which actually fels good because your hot 24/7. Also, getting bug bites from either sand bugs (at the beach), or mosquitoes--lather yourself in bug spray, sleeping with the hum of the fan on high. That was life there for me. You have to be willing to get your hands dirty. Oh man...mine were nasty.

apologies that some are super huge.. i didn't want to make them smaller because it makes the faces look retarded.

ana maria.

The one with crazy curls in Norma..she is 9. That's my hand. I made that necklance for her.The other girl is Ana Maria. We are full blood sisters.Everybody thinks that we look alot alike...Although..she has a different mouth. We have the same eyes and nose, and face shape. People there think she looks like Sandra Bullock. I think that she is absolutely gorgeous. The baby is Stephen. He is my older sister,Vanessa's 5 month old baby. Ana Maria is 10.

All the pictures with bathing suits are when we all went to Tela..the beach. Then we went to Pizza Hut..that's where some other pictures were taken. Also..we went to Ingrids (my oldest sister who is 27) house one afternoon.

norma and ana maria at comprame...the children house.

carlos (carlito) and norma. Carlos is 11.

we gave her those things in her hair, and i made her necklace.

chin!!!!! He is cool.

Her presents were in that bag. She was guarding. She didn't want ANYBODY else there to take them.. adorkable. <3 look at the bruja in the back..pshh. don't be messin with my girl.

he has a model body. If he worked out..he would be an underwear model in no time... hehe.

The adults there say shes a little tyrant. That sometimes she gives them the middle fingure. My mom said.. oh she's like ana.

One of the rooms where all the boys of Comprame sleep. Us. I think Carlos is a little heart breaker with his smile. <3

my little model.

I gave him a GameBoy. He is now mr. hey-i-want-to-be-friends-wtih-you-cause-you-are-"cool". hah.

I told him that only the family can us it.. The tall chick leaning over is my oldest sister Ingrid. She is hecka tall. Like 6ft. She use to be a model.

This is the woman who changed my life. And is helping children. The little girl in her arms she found, and got out of a prostitute house there. Sister Teresita is amazing. When I met her again, I never wanted to disapoint her. She does so much for people. wow.

norma. again.

ana maria and ingrid. my mom thinks that ana maria is a little depressed/sad. Ingrid said that when ana visits them at home, she lights up. I don't want her to go down the wrong rode and get pregant like others. I am going to try to help her along and stand by her. I want her to finish school there...all of it, and come to the u.s for university. I know she could. Same with the others. I have to write them in spanish, and help them. I want them to know that they can change everything. They are too beautiful to get pregant at 15, and the boys..the don't have to become mechanics or bus drivers. They can be very successful. The only thing they need to do is stay in school. high school. I'm saving my money for them.

that's my english speaking friend japa. she is very happy with life. thats ana maria. omg..is she wearing a bra!! so young.. with this picture my mom said just cover ana's mouth and it looks like me. i'm not so certain though...

after we took the three out of comprame for the weekend, we took them to get ice cream cause thats what ana maria wanted for her present. gotta love her...not aiming high. i let them listen to my ipod. they re-played 20 de enero by la oreja de van gogh like 100 times. I braided ana marias hair and gave her my hair thingy.

ALL THOSE WERE FROM COMPRAME..THE FIRST DAY I MET THEM ALL. EVER. COMPRAME IS WHERE A BUNCH OF KIDS..ABOUT 43 LIVE. ^^

Ingrid and her older son..I forgot his name. dammit. And one of my older brothers...david. he is 20, has two kids, and is a mechanic. He is SOOOOOOO shy. It's cute when he smiles though cause its a huge one.

That's Vanessa. She is 19..and very quiet. She is nice...her baby is stephen.

that is my lovely alma!! I love her mucho. She dyed her hair blonde, and she looks like an american. haha. We are close, despite that we were only together for a week. she sometimes came with us when we were with the family, and helped translate. hah.

Vanessa and stephen. maribel.me.ingrid. david. her older son, and younger son-tony. cheak out my tan biiiatchsss!!! crazy i know. im slouching. =/

AT INGRIDS HOUSE FOR LUNCH. ^^

the little taxi that 14 fit in.

all the kiddies at la playa. jose-my youngest brother-he's 7. he is tony's uncle(the other little boy next to him). ana maria.norma standing with attitude. carlos. and ingrids older boy in back. norma was a cutie at the beach..her ana maria and jose wouldn't let go of me in the water. haha. i felt needed.

getting my hair braided. she was rough with me. those are police in the background. alot of hondurans are garifuna...african americans.

BEACH DAY!! ^^

(from back left) older boy.ana maria.carolos.tony.jose.norma.They were in the play structure at pizza hut.

ana maria and norma. i cut myself out. i looked like i had down-syndrome. norma's skin looks flawless...

this isn't his best picture..but it's cute. he had fun there. yay.

ingrids boys, ana maria and my baby jose. he is sooo cuttee!!! he looks like my sister fanny who lives in chicago so much!! they are seriosuly twins.

those little angels. for some reason, norma went into the bathroom and wet her hair. shes an odd ball..but cute.

norma and stephen. her nephew.

my little model again. so purdy.

my baby jose and i.

those are all of my younger siblings that were there... i have fanny-who is in chicago, and oscar who is 15 who is living 3 hours away from there..

norma.

vanessa and i. we both got our hair braided. =] the reason her upper lip looks a bit odd is beacuse when she was born it was attached near her nose or something... my mom paided for her to get surgery so it would be "normal."

vanessa, ana, jose, older boy.

ana maria.

jose, ana and norma. haha.

the gang..<3

norma. i dunno what's on her mouth..lol.

jose.. my bubba.

all the younger kids..

thats really cute.

vanessa, ana maria, norma, and jose.

jose, ana maria and older boy.

AT PIZZA HUT IN THE PLAY PLACE ^^

I DONT WANT TO PUT ANY PICTURES OF MY DOLPHIN EXPERIENCE...

OVER ALL I HAD A GOOD TIME. I REALLY LIKE MY FAMILY. GOODBYE.

took a step forward, just to be shoved back...

2005-06-29T06:29:00Z

again.
i should've known that this is where i'd end up...
again.
this is where it's always been for me.
same again, and again.
i thought, "hey..maybe it will be different"
i was wrong,
again.
because when i put my whole self into it..
i get torn to pieces.
and i dont like that feeling very much.
i feel like im gonna throw-up,
and not cause of my cold.
i want to shrivel up and die.
im hurting.
the one thing i was thinking about when i was away...
what i was waiting for.
nooooope.

i think life would be safer and easier for us all if i just stuck to the ones who i know would never cause hurt, and i know would never be serious..
because falling, falling hard for those who you hope and want things to go farther...
and they never do.
that's the worst feeling ive felt,
and i don't want to have to feel that all my life.
♥

ana maria.

2005-06-28T02:41:28Z

i had fun.
i don't really want to write all that i did..cause that's alot.
tomorrow ill put some pics up.
i got tanner. and sunburned-but only a little.
my little ones are adorkable <33
i taught them how to swim.
i got my hair braided the day before i left--friday,
and i am taking them out tonight.
we watched crocidle dunde in L.A on the plane.
i got goosbumps when we flew into san salvadore because i thought of all the people that dissapeared there and murdered..
a magazine lady yelled at me because i bent the mag. then she had a hissy fit and was watching us the whole time.
it was really humide in honduras. im glad i have a breeze again.
i didn't wanna come home.
so moments were awkward.
i laughed when people thought i understood them.
most of the times i did..but it was funny.
i made friends there--alma, dunia, jimmy, timo, chin, corey, jennifer, ana luisa, and japa.
my mom is paying for alma's university tuition.
alma is able 21. she speaks english very well.
jimmy, timo, corey, chin, ana luisa, and jennifer are from the u.s.
they are "volunteers".
jimmy is short, and runs 18 miles a day. he has big teeth and is really funny.
jimmy and timo are adopted. timo is quiet.
corey goes to loyala in l.a and plays soccer.
jennifer is 17 and lives in virgina.she hooked up wit a girls bf.and is really smart.
chin is asian and from virgina.he is nice. he is paying for a childs surgery.
ana luisa is the daughter of my moms old nun friends.shes cool.and is fluentin eng and span. ..awesome.
dunia and japa live there. they are my age. japa is good at english and is a very very happy person. dunia is nice..i just don't understand because she isn;t good with eng..and i couldnt speak to her.
<3 <3
i almost met my dad. thank god he lived far away.
we took everyone too the beach and pizza hut. it was a treat for them. pizza hut is huge and has a play place. we were 14 in a taxi mni van.
hella crammed.
ok. bye.
<3

<33

2005-06-17T01:20:42Z

im in honduras right now.\
on an island.rotan.
its absolutely gorgeous.\
white sand..pretty water.
always sunny..
its fricking hot as hell.
muggy...like new york city.
the men here are scary..and my mom has turned red.

i swam with dolphins today. <33
the trainer kissed me. weird.
so did the dolphine though :)
yesterday i went scuba diving with the big air tanks and stuff.
yayaya.
i almost got my certification for diving..so i could do it when ever i wanted..but im gonna finish it when i get to the states.
i got hella tan.
i miss my friends..and have no one to talk to. =/

i saw my older sister the day we got here..monday i think it was.
shes pretty...tall. and she has a huge booty but is skinny.
not fair.
i have her, 2 brothers, a sister, a brother then me and then little people. lol
one of ym bros died..he got shot. my other ones, luis and david have kids. so does ingrid. i am a aunt to four. =] haha.
i see my "mom" next week.
im really scared.
i wonder what she looks like. i see where i get my eyes, mouth, weird little things from..well..yeah.
i miss the wind.
there was a cruise ship that came in the other day..damnnn. americans teared up this place.
tomorrow i am going to drive a scooter/moped/motorcycle. yay
i have made friends with alot of people..they all are really cool.
i am in love with a boy named adam.
i love diving. i think i am obsessed.

i am currently annoyed by bugs, but
i am happy that the dolphin man told me i was gourgeous..when i looked gross cause i was sweating and my hair was pyscho.\
they charge by the mintue..so im gonna go.

<33 i miss you all.

i get home on the 27th actually.

summer school that monday. im actually excited.

homegrown24 @ 2005-06-12T01:05:00

2005-06-12T08:10:03Z

i'm on cloud nine. why the heckers do i have to leave on monday. grrr..

"in the end is only when you start to think about the beginning." -mr. smith.

<3333333333333333333333333 magnificant.

I set myself up for the greatest fall of all time </////33

2005-06-11T09:48:07Z

why do I do this to myself? I know what he wants when he calls. I don't always know whether I want it. I don't think of myself in that kind of a way. I just joke about it. I think that I may just be one though. What he said tonight really hurt my feels. I was trying to stand up for myself..saying what I wanted. The whole time I was thinking to myself."wtf. Say it. You know you can..just do it!!"..I did. Sorta. But it still didn't help. After..he dissed me..said I complain too much. I told him 'it's cause I'm from Connelly.' We Connnelly girls get taught to stand up for ourselves, speak out, be confident and courageous. I noticed that I have become more of all those things..but maybe I won't acheive them fully until graduation...NEXT YEAR. bummer. I could've really used the "fuck you" atittude tonight. Well..I did say that he was an asshole, and a whore. I really meant the asshole part too..and he knows it. I pissed him off again when I told him I felt sorry for him..and that when he says 'dont tell her'... it sounds like he is trying to hide me. It hurts. It pissed him off though that I would think that that is what he meant by it. I guess that's good. I don't do it for the "kicks" or whatever. ehh. I like him..that's why. When I hung out with him before I told him I didn't like Shane..then he said 'So, you don't like me..'. I almost said how do you know..I can't tell him I do. I mean, he doesn't-I'm not-whatever. It wouldn't make him happy..maybe cocky, but not happy. I think that I could be really good for him though. I mean..maybe I could be that girl that changes him..not in a bad way..but make him realize stuff, and not be an ass. Sorta like in How To Deal. I wanna be that kind of girl. I'd like that. I would feel uber special. He can be a sweet guy, and really shy. It's quite cute. But ehh..GOD. Just thinking about it right now.. I am surprised at myself. I realized that I never tell people what I think about them. I mean..suuuure I tell katie that she is a hooker..and I speak the truth, but that's not what I mean. Boys. Really..is it better to tell someone that you like them..as more than a friend when you aren't dating them, maybe you are "friends" with them..I don't like this one bit. I know what I want, But I can't have it. I know what I like, but it's never avaliable or in my reach. I have ideas that I cannot get across to other people. I have feelings that I don't feel comfortable saying. I have a bi-polar attitude that I can't fix, I don't have a "family", I don't have anyone to take care of me like I dreamed I would. The one thing in my life that made me happy and feel great left one day, unlknowingly, and was severed immediately. Nope, THAT ONE didn't give a crap. The whole reason was just so in the end I could be left hanging, heart broken..like it was felt in the heart of the other before. HEY..I DID IT TO YOU..NOW YOU JUST GOTTA DO IT TO ME. Thats the way it works riiight..someone punches you, you punch them back. This world is demented. I want desperately what I dream for. I want to get something that'll make me tingly and have butterflies like I use to. Those feelings make me feel like flying. I want it to be hard love. and the most perfect moment of my life.

Shiit. I'm beat. and I'm pathetic. I thought I was letting stuff out, but it just sounds like I'm complaining. I'm sorry. I really am. I don't mean to. I trying to fix myself.

I can't wait for later today..sayy..about 7ish? yes. I know I will love it then. Lets just say that I'll throw in some laughs and eye glances..and I'll be on my way to the better. --hah. that sounded sooo cheesey. <3 my budunka dunk

I have junk in the trunk. muah.

ill take it to my grave. xx. pinkie promise.xx

2005-06-11T04:33:27Z

awwweeesome. i <3 white widow. Anywho..I like eating at denny's with friends. it was fuuunnn. <3justine<3jessie<3sal<3miguel<3andrea<3 missing... </3brittany</3katie</3...and a few more that remain anonymus (sp). That waitress was a trickster telling me that they didn't have any more plates. sheesh. bURPPPPP. Sal is in love with "hot bois"..he cannot stop telling me and j about them. hahahahahaha. Went to watch Lords of Dogtown, then hit the sandbox. {{wink wink}} Overall..good way to spend the last day of school, and celebrating being a senior.

toDAY..I shopped alot. Basically preparing for our trip. I got ipod, clothes, hand sanitizer, face cleaning stufff, purse, cds. We bought things for my family too. This is all that I know of..off the top of my head: Mom-Marival--I don't know how to spell it, sister Ingrid-around age 25 + 1 or 2 kids, 2 brothers, Vanessa-age 18, then people younger than me..like Fanny-12(in chicago), her twin brother-Oscar, and some other little girls like Norma and Ceci. I could have more..but I don't know. lol. Which is REALLY sad.

my little sissy. awww.

I love my friends...

she is my gorgeous bubba.

ninny.

my sister jess <3333

<3 always. says the rights.

you think it's "cocoa"..WRONG.

sal is a woman; also justiners beaner.

friends since pre-school. *it can happen*

my model girlfriend. xoxo

THE BITTER END. If you weren't on there..you still are my friend. I just think those are hot pictures.

i had no idea where my head was, but if my heart says im sorry can we leave it at that..

2005-06-08T22:36:39Z

chyah.

i know.

im glad too.

<333333

you said i know this will hurt but if i dont break your heart things will just get worse </3

2005-06-07T04:13:16Z

Pod thing leave me alone
I dont wanna hear explinations for unexplainable things.
<3 Pods and Gods.

God. I am ashamed of myself.
For all those things that have happened in my past that I could have prevented, or at least tried to prevent..bogus.
So much stuff in our lives is un-needed.
I wish I could've stood up and changed "stuff".
"Suffocate me all you need, I won't breathe but it's ok, you'll be somewhere around me, and I won't need air" I like that lyric.
From now on, I have decided that if i don't agree, or agree on something, having to do with anything, or have an opinion( that is worth speaking) will say it, because, so many times before, if i spoke up i wouldnt be regreting it now. Because the few things that I regret, are the things that I could've changed.
it's such a shame.
and most of it were things that i would have said to my friends.
anywho..yes.
i think i have to say, that i love relient k.
especially their song 'let it all out' <333

my final was wicked easy today. tomorrow..i fail.
hmm...nothing else to say...
except!
that i am stoked about thursday--maybe..sorta, ok just saying that cause i dont have to go to connelly for 3 months, not like i have a social life cause me to to be hella busy that day. hah.
i would like to add, that in my portfolio i included a picture of one of the HOTTEST boys in california. and, to make it even hotter, his tounge was hanging out... aww yes. you love it.

"..and i think i'll blow my brains against the ceiling and as the fragments of my skull began to fall, fall on your toungue, like pixie dust just think happy thoughts...we'll fly home."
i like that lyric too.

I'M STILL WAITING FOR YOU TO BE THE ONE I'M WAITING FOR...

2005-06-06T04:00:51Z

PORTFOLIO...ALMOST DONE. YESSS. THIS IS THE EARLIEST IT'S DONE IN THE LAST TWO YEARS.

SINCE I WAS RUDELY GROUNDED FOR NO REASON LAST NIGHT, AND HAD NO RIDE TO MY DESTINATION BECAUSE OF BAILERS, I WAS STUCK AT MY HOUSE. I HAD LIFE..I WANTED TO GO PARTTTAAAY. GRRR... THURSDAY TILL SATURDAY I CAN. THEN I BE GOOOONE. I'M GONNA GET HELLA TAN. IT'S GONNA BE INTENSE. I MEAN, INTENSE. SO DIFFERENT. FINALS SHALL SUCK, AND I SHALL FAIL. <3

WHO'S TO BLAME

HOLLER.

I CAN BE SHY..

TELL IT TO MY FACE

SELF SAID.

THIS REMINDS ME OF MY OLD SLUT/BITCH. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

IM HALF BLACK..CAN'T YOU TELL WITH MY LIPS.

DONT BELIEVE THAT THE WEATHER IS PERFECT THE DAY THAT YOU DIE.

IM FALLING APART TO SONGS ABOUT HIPS AND HEARTS.

holding your head up is hard when you just want to stay on the ground.

2005-06-05T04:30:03Z

hello.
i think i found my closure. gooood.
i don't care much for summer..
i like a boy that nobody else likes.
that will make it a bit hard on me,
but he is genuine and "real".
plus hella hot.
going away on the 13th and coming the 27th ish.
i will not have fun.

my mom called me vulgar.
i'm not the one who does the hitting.
when i told her she was a hypocrate she called me a liar.
nobody has ever called me that.
I don't think understand what iM trying to deal with right now..
She just thinks that I'm being a teenager...being all the things that people hate in teenagers.
I learned everything from her..and she thinks that its fromm movies.
nooo
she's the one who cusses and says "bullshit", and "crap" all the time.
she's the one who uses her arms.
she is the liar.
she most definately forgot how it was..
although she WAS the perfect youngest child..
poop head.

I have decided that i can do it..
i put my stamp on my door.. a figure of a bat with a heart iside thats half skull..the clandestine thing. its hot.
oh.. and i went to go get my hair cut, they did horribly and put tons of products in..ugh.
i came home, and cut it myself. i like it alot.
i had a dream last night that nick vargus liked me. weiird as hell.
katie is down, and i am not seeing her at all.
my aunt comes tomorrow.
i broke 2 glass vases in 2 days. dammn.
i didnt take the sats today because i didnt have the papers..after all those prep classes. whoops.
no permit.
being kicked off right now.
goodbye.

The doctor gave him two weeks to live. I'd give him more if I could.

2005-06-02T03:51:42Z

It's times like these..
I don't feel like I know much right now.
about anything.
I'm being a drag.
I don't understand.
I guess that this is part of growing up.
I wasn't warned.
I am really trying..
Trying to not affect others into it.
I don't know what's come over me.
I don't feel like I did before.
I feel like I don't have anything to say..
Not to be rude, but I really don't.
Maybe a word here and there, but its just not there.
I haven't for a while.
I feel like life has been sucked out of me.
I want it back..I think.
Or I just want something different.
Not shiny and new,
but something that I haven't tasted yet.
I love change, but I love the old too.
I can't wait to get away from my repeatative life.
I can't look at people in the eyes anymore.
I feel, I dunno, I dont know the word that would say why.
Maybe ashamed, unworthy, scared.
I don't want people to look at me and know what's going on.
I feel like my worlds falling apart and your not there.
You say your there but your really not
I know I can't act like everything is fine.
Everyday my happiness just sinks.

I don't like Connelly,
and I have a feeling it doesn't like me either.
I really don't understand this..
because I really didn't do anything.
I don't like when people presume things immediately.
Then don't even bother to find out or ask if their gossipy minds even know the fucking truth.
Don't just sit around guessing.
I wanna get high again..
that was fucking heavenly monday.
Just remember that I saw madagascar, chill.
I was in fatburger and spit on everyone.. whoops.
God I loved that day.

Everything is over rated and over produced in my life.

smooch. xo

all of my mistakes keep me awake at night

2005-06-01T04:13:14Z

i guess that i can say

that i had fun...

im wearing a heart shirt. i love it.

manly

war words.

losers

watever

slut

nuff said.

weird.

fish or wiskers(sp?)?

I got some purple kush. Did you bring the sand box??

2005-05-31T04:12:14Z

understand, i don't care if i meet you

and you don't care if we meet

it's just conversation

we're not so compatible

but at least we know

and we don't care.

why was i programmed to feel pain?

2005-05-29T04:29:55Z

Today, I learned that I have Athazagoraphobia and Zelophobia phobia. YUUP. I didn't realize it's memorial day weekend until today. I am offically dying my hair. I started to cut it, and my mom went pyscho..watever. I do what i do. Nobody i know has enough talent to cut it, not that i do, but i know exactly what i want, and i want it to be done right. She asked me what my dream was today, and I had no answer.. I use to, but i stopped because I knew that I could never reach them. I know that's silly, because thats what dreams are, things that you "wish up" but whatever. I want to have a realistic one, one that I can acheive and feel good about. Last year in religion, we had to say our dream, or something like that, I said mine, and everybody laughed. I cared what they thought, and i still do, thats why im so retarded about everything in life. I magnify my every move, because I dont want to be judged in the "wrong light". Im trying to not care. I know that all i should care about are my friends, and family--fuck everyone else right? I can't do that. Whenever I try, I start to feel.. I don't know the word. I should go. I want a unicorn, because fantasy is the best. Thats something I love, imagination..thats what dreams are right? I'm gonna find one.

001) What time are you starting this?: 7:30
002) Name?: ana
003) Date of birth?: may 9, 1988
004) Sex?: no thank you.
005) Height?: 5'3"
006) Eye color?: gray
007) Weight?: ...
008) Location?: costa mesa
009) Where were you born?: houndras.
010) Have you ever failed a grade?: no
011) If you have, what grade did you fail?:
012) Do you have crush on someone?: yes
013) Do you have a bf/gf?: no
014) If so, what is their name?: g-g-g-. i no tell.
015) How long have you been together?:
016) What are you wearing right now?: pajamas
017) Would you have sex before marriage?: yes
018) Have you ever had a crush on any of your teachers?: nope
020) Do you smoke?: yes.sometimes.
021) Do you drink?: yes
022) Are you ghetto?: sometimes, when i feel i need to be.
023) Are you a player?: no
024) What are your favorite colors?: fuschia, black, and turquoise.
025) What is your favorite animal?: dolphin
026) Do you have any birthmarks?: I don't think so...
027) Have you ever gotten your ass kicked?: no
029) Have you ever beat someone up?: sorta..not badly though.
030) Who do you talk to most on the phone?: i dont talk on the phone anymore.
031) Have you ever been slapped?: yes
032) Do you get online a lot?: yeah
033) Are you shy or outgoing?: I can be both.
034) Do you shower?: uh...no. who does that anymore?! =]
035) Do you hate school?: yeah.
036) Do you have a social life?: i'd like to think so.
037) How easily do you trust people?: not very easily now.
038) Have you ever lied to your bestfriends?: don't think so.
039) Do you have a secret people would be surprised knowing?: ya
040) Would you ever sky dive?: yes.
041) Do you like to dance?: of course.
068) Have you ever been out of state?: yes
069) Do you like to travel?: love it.
070) Have you ever been expelled from school?: no
071) Have you ever been suspended from school?: no
071) Do you want to get out of your hometown?: a little bit.
072) Are you spoiled?: not at all.
073) Are you a brat?: sometimes.
074) Have you ever been dumped?: yes
075) Have you ever gotten high?: yes
076) What's your favorite drink?: vitamin water.
077) Do you like Snapple?: yeah.
078) Do you drink a lot of water?: yes
079) What toothpaste do you use?: aquafresh.
080) Do you have a cell phone or pager?: cell phone
081) Do you have a curfew?: not really
082) Who do you look up to?: ...
083) Are you a role model?: doubt it.
084) Have you ever been to Six Flags?: no
085) What name brand do you wear the most?: forever 21, deelux and small stores..
086) What kind of jewelry do you wear?: my earrings and heart necklace.
087) What do you have pierced?: my ears.
088) What do you want pierced?: belly button, more on my ears, either nose or lip, and maybe tounge..
089) Do you like taking pictures? yes
090) Do you like getting your picture taken?: when i take it...
091) Do you have a tan?: now i do.
092) Do you get annoyed easily?: i think i do...
093) Have you ever started a rumor?: no
094) Do you have your own phone/phone line?: cell
095) Do you have your own pool?: no
096) Do you have any siblings?: yes and no
097) Do you prefer boxers or briefs? i'm not a guy. boxer-briefs are cute.
098) Have you ever been played?: i don't think so.
099) Have you ever played anyone?: nope
100) Do you get along with your parents? sometimes
102) How do you vent your anger?: anything but talk about it.
103) Have you ever ran away?: yes.
104) Have you ever been fired from a job?: no
105) Do you even have a job?: no
106) Do you daydream a lot?: yesss.
107) Do you have a lot of exes?: no
108) Do you run your mouth?: no
109) What do you want a tattoo of?: i think i might want wings, or something else. no sure of what yet.
110) What do you have a tattoo of?: nothing
112) What does your ex bf/gf look like?: invisible.
113) What does your most recent crush look like?: he's a pretty hot stud
114) Have you ever been bitched out?: no, not really.
115) When was the last time you bitched someone out?: i think like a month ago. or two months.
116) Are you rude?: only when someone's being rude to me.
117) What was the last compliment you received?: you have a beautiful smile.
118) Do you like getting dirty?: hells yeah.
119) Is your bellybutton an innie or outie?: innie
120) Are you flexible: for the most part.
121) What is your heritage?: mayan
122) What is your lucky number?: 24, and 413
123) What does your hair look like right now?: straight.
124) Could you ever be a vegetarian?: yes
125) When was your last real heartbreak?: 2004
126) Describe your looks?: black hair, gray eyes, 5'3"
127) If you had to completely dye your hair it'd be what color?: my hair color now. maybe add a few highlights.
128) Would you ever date someone younger than you?: sure. not too much though.
129) Would you ever date someone older than you?: yes.
130) When was the last time you were drunk?: a few weeks ago.
131) When was the last time you went on a date? a few weeks ago.
135) Have you ever had an eating disorder?: yes
136) Do you have one now?:
137) How many rings until you answer the phone? whenever i get to ther phone.
138) Have you ever been skinnydipping?: yes
139) If yes, when was the last time?: like..13?
140) Do you look more like your mother or father?: i don't know.
141) Do you cry a lot?: yes
142) Do you ever cry to get your way?: no, not really.
144) What phrase do you use most when on the phone?: "uh-huh"
145) Are you the romantic type?: yessssssss, i love love.
146) Have you ever been chased by cops?: nope
148) What do you like least about your body?: my arms, no butt, and thighs.
147) What do you like most about your body?: my eyes
149) Who did you last hook up with?: i forget..
150) When was the last time you threw up?: not recently.
151) In the opposite sex, do you prefer blondes or brunettes?: i think brunettes.
152) What do the shoes you last wore look like?: black sandals.
153) Do you ever wear shirts to show your belly?: no, not anymore.
154) What about cleavage?: sometimes.
155) Is your best friend a virgin?: yes.
158) What color are your underwear right now?: bright turquoise.
159) What theme does your room have?: refreshing.
160) What size shoe do you wear? 7
161) What jewelry are you wearing now?: ring, becklace, and earrings.
162) What is your screen name on AIM? mopedgirl24
163) Would you pick a wedgie in public?: yes, if i could hide it.
164) How are you feeling right now?: sleepy
165) When was the last time you were at a party?: a few weeks ago.
166) Have you ever given a lapdance?: yes.
167) What do you sleep in?: t-shirt and undies.
168) Has there ever been a rumor spread about you?: yes. i hate people.
169) What is one of your bad qualities?: everything.
170) What is one of your good qualities?: making people laugh, listening.
172) What do you drive?: i hope to drive something new and shiny.
173) Have you ever given or received roadhead?: no. i don't even know what that is.
174) Are you more of a mama or daddy's child?: mama's girl.
177) When was the last time you cried in school?: a month ago, i think.
178) Do you wear Chucks?: yes.
179) For two million dollars, would you pose for Playboy?: i have some dignity.
180) What time are you finishing this?: 7:49

put your heart on you sleeve so i can tear it down.

2005-05-28T04:28:16Z

i dont really like things right now. grrr. Since Wednesday, this has pretty much been the worst few days of my life, and I have a feeling that things wont be looking up until a bit into the summer. First, school..basically, if i dont do well on ONE THING, I will have to go to summer school. Talk about pressure. I have no time to do that. This summer I am packed with shit. Shit that I'm being forced to do. Then, fucking tests. Then, JoHn dying and Jon Buhler being injured. I've done something alot this week that I haven't done in a while. It felt really good. I needed to. I didn't do the lifeguard thing. I think I am a loser now. My mom has been going pyscho on me. I actually learned how to spell that word today.. 'pyscho'. I always spelled in 'physco'. Pathetic. I realized that I don't like people to talk with people. I can't say my feelings, or cry. At the prayer service today I cried, but not that much. Nobody noticed. When I got home, I cried..for about 3 hours. Then, from then until now, I have been randomly. Just thinking about it.... I find it interesting that on the way home today, while listening to my music, I cried the entire way, and my mom didn't notice at all. or at least she said nothing. Im good at keeping things hidden. Thats not a good quality though. I know that I shouldn't, but I don't feel comfortable with anybody to talk to things about. Theres just things that have happened to me that has made me not want to share things with others now. Ben and Bob's death anniversaries.. I dont know what I should call it, but its coming. June 6. It'll be 9 years. I miss him too. God. Fucking cars. "Cars are deadly weapons.." from section 2 in the law book thingy. I hate Grey Hound Buses. I refuse to ever get on one.

So much for happiness that I thought was there

i wanna feel like part of this is mine..

2005-05-26T04:28:45Z

i dont like it when my friends are sad. and i dont like to see them cry. i feel like im not helpful at all. worthless. i dont know what im suppose to do for them. all i know is to say itll be okay. i dont find that it is helpful at all. which makes me feel worse.

School is a biiiatch right now. I miss lucas. Im spilt between two ways of dying my hair. i hate having to chose between two things. There was a sacary man today who asked me alot of personal questions, and then asked for my number and said that if i wanted to go with him, to go now..well then.. but yah. it was really scary. I have SAT class tomorrow, and i get to see the cute mohawk josh again. Hes nice.

Summer..should definately get here.NOW. I really like Channel Islands.

bye.

"your mom's a man!!" "my mom's not here right now.."

2005-05-23T03:52:58Z

went to rosarito, mexico with jess. it was great. we got tannnnnnned. and just a little sunburned. just a tad. my lover for life, jessica got her hair lighter.hahaha. funnny. team america is our thing. we love watching puppets having sex in EVERY possible position (seriously). When we crossed the boarder, we think the guy thought i was a little soviener that jess brought back..hah. asking me all the questions. tehehe.

nothing else for now.

summer...so soon. so soon... <3

celos estan mantando

2005-05-12T04:21:14Z

i was bored outta my mind today. So i wrote 2 poems.and they werent ones that rhymed. hah. thats a first for me. I tried to think of one word to describe me.Everything i thought about somehow didn;t work. I really want to find that word now. Any adjectives that you can think of?

if you need me to be with you, i will follow where you lead.

2005-05-11T03:12:31Z

i hate how i always have the worst birthdays. Since highschool has started...bad birthdays. I was grounded freshman year, last year, i was depressed, and this year, my mom screamed her brains out at me..the worst scene that we have ever had together..by far. i just want to absolutely love my birthday, and actually "flaunt" it to people. No luck though. The best birthday was my 10th. When I got my face in the cake..and we were all little weird children. Next year.. the big 18...im going to make sure that it's good..I spend it with my best friends, have fun, and well, just have fun. I love friends.

standing on the edge of morning scent of sex and new found glory playing as she's pulling back her hair. she drives away. she's feeling worthless, used again but nothing's different. she'd stay the night, but knows he doesn't care. home by three to deafening quiet. the porch light's off, guess they forgot it. she'd cry herself to sleep, but she don't dare and she wants to be a model. she wants to hear she's beautiful, she's beautiful. i want to save you. i want to save you. i need you. save me too. i want to save you. dressed by dawn and out the door. no light, she memorized the floor. so she could leave without being detected. she works till three. it's uniform she dreams that he'll come by the store. she prays for days when boys mean she's protected.
and she wants someone to see her. she needs to hear she's beautiful, she's beautiful. i want to save you. i want to save you. i need you. save me too. i want to save you. and she won't sleep. she won't sleep. and she won't sleep at all. i want to save you. i want to save you. i need you. save me too. i want to save you. let me save you. i want to save you. let me save you. i want to save you. let me save you. i want to save you.

am i more than you bargained for yet?

2005-05-09T04:25:27Z

weekend was fun. shopped alot. birthday is tomorrow. sorta excited. going to zoes for the annual dinner since i have the same birthday as her daddy. i <3 him. It's matt's birthday tomorrow too. and debbies. I talk to matt alot now. he's so cool. He found people from our old class. wow. they all are so different now. lol. anyhow..went to knotts today. fun fun. People were obsessed with my eyes. =] thats good. My mom and I are getting along well. I have a surprise on saturday... =/ hmm..i wonder. katie is coming to visit too. yay. here are pictures.

I was a camera whore.

and I'm damn proud of it.

stay pretty. die young.

this moment my heart stopped beating.

its a heart i breathed out.

i KNOW what im talking about. dont mess.

eve 6 + me=serious.

yay for fucking chapped lips.

you cant really see anything. but i like it.

pure talent.

i finally cracked a smile.

i have an afro. only in the front.

pfff. this bitch thinks shes so cool..

comfy time..sorta.

i was surprised too.

definately forced.

awww. little lonely me.

homegrown24 @ 2005-05-07T01:08:00

2005-05-07T08:10:59Z

ive decided...no more being bummed about everything. I mean..my birthday is on monday..time to be happy. happy happy joy joy. duh people. plus..tomorrow..im gonna be looking hotttt. =] tomorrow will be fuuuuuuuuun ps. go look at my myspace....tomorrow night!! it shall be very orgasmic. heart me

i know this hurts. it was meant to. you secret's out and the best part is it isn't even a good one.

2005-05-07T01:45:07Z

I wrote something. then it got erased. boo to that.

schools gay, but good, but gay.

I'm really not positive whether I'll be going there next year.

I dont want to.

I mean, I do cause my friends, but that's the only reason.

Plus, it's not like have TONS of friends. Sooo I really wouldn't be THAT missed. lol.

And that really doesn't bother me.

I don't like any boys anymore.

Well, I like one.

The same one as always...

But we ALL know that won't happen..

I like it when I like somebody.

I love music. Just felt like stating that because I feel that I'm very random right now.

Switching subjects every 2 seconds.

My mom is at the Beverly Hills Hotel tonight selling herself to billionaires.

SHOPPING TOMORROW!!!

just kidding.

Therefore, I'm home ALLLLLLLL alone tonight.and you know what that means. p-a-r-t-y

just kidding again.

I "kid" too much.

I need to show people that I can be serious,

that most of the time I am serious.

When I'm not with my friends, I act really different.

I'm quiet, serious..basically everything Im not with them.

I think I've sterotyped for my friends. I don't want to be "sad", "serious",""smart"", "angry", "truely mean", blah blah blah.

I dont know why I do that.. so dont ask.I don't want to let them down??

I just keep my emotions hidden.

i have problems.

Im a pushover too.

I piss myself off.

I've decided that what i want to met is my karma.

lt would look me in my face and tell me why im getting everything i deserve...

bye.

"Im a strong believer in something that scares me every day of my life"

If I were at work, I'd be: probably doing something I'm not suppose to
If I were a month, I'd be: August
If I were a day of the week, I'd be: wednesday
If I were a time of day, I'd be: 2:15 am
If I were a planet, I'd be: mars
If I were a sea animal, I'd be: a sea horse
If I were a direction, I'd be: 1888 "north".welmingshire
If I were a piece of furniture,I'd be: an antique hanging dim light "lamp"
If I were a sin, I'd be: a smart ass
If I were a historical legend, I'd be: bob marley
If I were a liquid, I'd be: water
If I were a tree, I'd be: weaping willow
If I were a bird, I'd be: white owl
If I were a flower, I'd be: a jasmin
If I were a kind of weather, I'd be: a rain storm
If I were a mythical creature, I'd be: a flying mini unicorn named flutterbee
If I were a musical instrument, I'd be: Drums
If I were an animal, I'd be: a spider monkey
If I were a color, I'd be: gray
If I were an emotion, I'd be: happy
If I were a vegetable, I'd be: artichoke
If I were a sound, I'd be: a waterfall sound
If I were an element, I'd be: air
If I were a car, I'd be: A 77' vw wagon
If I were a song, I'd be: We used to be friends-The dandy warhols
If I were a movie, I'd be: garage rock
If I were a food, I'd be: chicken ceasar from el pollo loco
If I were a place, I'd be: the mediterranean sea
If I were a material, I'd be: 100% cotton

*DEDICATED*

"...and then, as the crowd roared and soared thoughout the firery sky, all five walked onstage led by their hopeless romantic. it was almost too untrue. halfway halted by a collection of dreams and an unimaginable reality. i was there, seeing with my own eyes, embraced by the other i love. the dome was an untouchable shell invincible from the outside world for the next 2 hours to come. as it finally happened, i had finally been lost again. a child sitting in the desert with one option not enough. but then as the anticipation peaked...

"i...can't find myself."

it had begun. the anticipation released. i was on the edge of my own private canyon. i took one step, with god willing, and gave it all up. this feeling of freedom unsurpassed by nothing. almost hurt to smile. before i knew, my face damped by the flow of tears running down my face. i almost cry now as these words flow one after another. each tear shed felt so beautiful. she wiped my cheek and held me close.

"i...can't find myself."

was it the perfect moment? did it all fit too well? i couldn't find myself. i couldn't find my own lips much less look her in the eyes. but she saw me.

"i love you," she said. "you and me," she said.

this river of sorrow pressed onto my face, blinded by a face of sadness only to be seen as a fulfilled passion of completeness. why smile now? this very moment. why? she's not here. i, standing almost alone. this position i was put in, i would live it once more - given the chance. i'd shed a sea of tears for a thousand years given the chance to shed one more with her; one more with them. just one. as the music passed, she had said all the right words. she had caught me, bare handed, free falling from this canyon. at this point, i did not care anymore. i didn't really need to. all i needed and all i wanted was right there, sitting next to me, arms clenched, eyes glistening, heart felt, & love struck..."