| im just hopelessly hopeful youre just hopeless enough |
[entries|friends|calendar] |
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| ♥spoon out my heart. then shove the pain into it and i will carry the burden for you♥ |
[07 Jul 2005|07:14pm] |
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 calm and quiet |
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pretty girls make graves-certain cemetary |
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 </a></font></a>![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) x__________riot </font>
Go ahead...I think that you would like that girl if you got to know her. She can be cool sometimes, other times, shes annoying. She usually says whats on her mind, which sometimes can be pretty dumb things, other times she can be your perfect friend. she doesn't like to be vulnerable, or say stright out what she feels or thinks because, obviously, she will be judged...harshly. And she actually, pathetically cares about what others think...
She's going to start over..and thinks that this is where she'll start that process. By September , she'll look different, have new confidence, feel smarter, more independent (because fuck guys right!), and she'll have a new master plan. This is her summer of change. watch out.
goodbye <3 
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| it's where the heart is <33 |
[29 Jun 2005|10:02pm] |
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wishful thinking.. |
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nada. |
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I'm not posting all the pictures, because that is alot, and most of them, those who look, won't really care for those, and be intrigued by them. If you would like to see more though..you can come over and look at all of them.. which is an uber bunch. Most of these are just family people, and a couple others. Most of my photos from Roatan (the bay island where we were for a week) got lost--somehow deleted off my digital. It was gorgeous there, and losing them bums me out alot. I have no idea what any of you will think of these, and really, if you don't have anything that I would want to hear, or have something mean to say.. eat it. I don't care. =]
Alright. Since none of you know who any of theses people are.. I'll be along for ride narrating. Oh yay. I could re-live that trip forever. I'm going back next summer too.. you're invited if you like adventures and feeling good about helping people. Although..I have to warn you..if you aren't good with change..and a different lifestyle..you're probably complain alot. Most will want air conditioning since its hella humide there, if you can ignore all the men there..good, can you stand sweating alot?, wanting to take 3 showers a day, not wearing makeup everyday, washing some clothing in the sink, having horrible water pressure, and sometimes no hot water--which actually fels good because your hot 24/7. Also, getting bug bites from either sand bugs (at the beach), or mosquitoes--lather yourself in bug spray, sleeping with the hum of the fan on high. That was life there for me. You have to be willing to get your hands dirty. Oh man...mine were nasty.
apologies that some are super huge.. i didn't want to make them smaller because it makes the faces look retarded.
ana maria.
The one with crazy curls in Norma..she is 9. That's my hand. I made that necklance for her.The other girl is Ana Maria. We are full blood sisters.Everybody thinks that we look alot alike...Although..she has a different mouth. We have the same eyes and nose, and face shape. People there think she looks like Sandra Bullock. I think that she is absolutely gorgeous. The baby is Stephen. He is my older sister,Vanessa's 5 month old baby. Ana Maria is 10.
All the pictures with bathing suits are when we all went to Tela..the beach. Then we went to Pizza Hut..that's where some other pictures were taken. Also..we went to Ingrids (my oldest sister who is 27) house one afternoon.
( lettss gooo )
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| took a step forward, just to be shoved back... |
[28 Jun 2005|11:21pm] |
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sickingly sad. |
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relient k-when i go down |
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again.
i should've known that this is where i'd end up...
again.
this is where it's always been for me.
same again, and again.
i thought, "hey..maybe it will be different"
i was wrong,
again.
because when i put my whole self into it..
i get torn to pieces.
and i dont like that feeling very much.
i feel like im gonna throw-up,
and not cause of my cold.
i want to shrivel up and die.
im hurting.
the one thing i was thinking about when i was away...
what i was waiting for.
nooooope.
i think life would be safer and easier for us all if i just stuck to the ones who i know would never cause hurt, and i know would never be serious..
because falling, falling hard for those who you hope and want things to go farther...
and they never do.
that's the worst feeling ive felt,
and i don't want to have to feel that all my life.
♥
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| ana maria. |
[27 Jun 2005|07:28pm] |
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headache...but okay. |
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watching hitch. |
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i had fun.
i don't really want to write all that i did..cause that's alot.
tomorrow ill put some pics up.
i got tanner. and sunburned-but only a little.
my little ones are adorkable <33
i taught them how to swim.
i got my hair braided the day before i left--friday,
and i am taking them out tonight.
we watched crocidle dunde in L.A on the plane.
i got goosbumps when we flew into san salvadore because i thought of all the people that dissapeared there and murdered..
a magazine lady yelled at me because i bent the mag. then she had a hissy fit and was watching us the whole time.
it was really humide in honduras. im glad i have a breeze again.
i didn't wanna come home.
so moments were awkward.
i laughed when people thought i understood them.
most of the times i did..but it was funny.
i made friends there--alma, dunia, jimmy, timo, chin, corey, jennifer, ana luisa, and japa.
my mom is paying for alma's university tuition.
alma is able 21. she speaks english very well.
jimmy, timo, corey, chin, ana luisa, and jennifer are from the u.s.
they are "volunteers".
jimmy is short, and runs 18 miles a day. he has big teeth and is really funny.
jimmy and timo are adopted. timo is quiet.
corey goes to loyala in l.a and plays soccer.
jennifer is 17 and lives in virgina.she hooked up wit a girls bf.and is really smart.
chin is asian and from virgina.he is nice. he is paying for a childs surgery.
ana luisa is the daughter of my moms old nun friends.shes cool.and is fluentin eng and span. ..awesome.
dunia and japa live there. they are my age. japa is good at english and is a very very happy person. dunia is nice..i just don't understand because she isn;t good with eng..and i couldnt speak to her.
<3 <3
i almost met my dad. thank god he lived far away.
we took everyone too the beach and pizza hut. it was a treat for them. pizza hut is huge and has a play place. we were 14 in a taxi mni van.
hella crammed.
ok. bye.
<3
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| <33 |
[16 Jun 2005|07:02pm] |
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im in honduras right now.\
on an island.rotan.
its absolutely gorgeous.\
white sand..pretty water.
always sunny..
its fricking hot as hell.
muggy...like new york city.
the men here are scary..and my mom has turned red.
i swam with dolphins today. <33
the trainer kissed me. weird.
so did the dolphine though :)
yesterday i went scuba diving with the big air tanks and stuff.
yayaya.
i almost got my certification for diving..so i could do it when ever i wanted..but im gonna finish it when i get to the states.
i got hella tan.
i miss my friends..and have no one to talk to. =/
i saw my older sister the day we got here..monday i think it was.
shes pretty...tall. and she has a huge booty but is skinny.
not fair.
i have her, 2 brothers, a sister, a brother then me and then little people. lol
one of ym bros died..he got shot. my other ones, luis and david have kids. so does ingrid. i am a aunt to four. =] haha.
i see my "mom" next week.
im really scared.
i wonder what she looks like. i see where i get my eyes, mouth, weird little things from..well..yeah.
i miss the wind.
there was a cruise ship that came in the other day..damnnn. americans teared up this place.
tomorrow i am going to drive a scooter/moped/motorcycle. yay
i have made friends with alot of people..they all are really cool.
i am in love with a boy named adam.
i love diving. i think i am obsessed.
i am currently annoyed by bugs, but
i am happy that the dolphin man told me i was gourgeous..when i looked gross cause i was sweating and my hair was pyscho.\
they charge by the mintue..so im gonna go.
<33 i miss you all.
i get home on the 27th actually.
summer school that monday. im actually excited.
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[12 Jun 2005|01:05am] |
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d.s. + a.b=romantics |
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relient k-in love with the 80s (wore a pink tux to prom) |
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i'm on cloud nine. why the heckers do i have to leave on monday. grrr..
"in the end is only when you start to think about the beginning." -mr. smith.
<3333333333333333333333333 magnificant.
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| I set myself up for the greatest fall of all time </////33 |
[11 Jun 2005|02:45am] |
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 up a dark alley w/ no way out |
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quarashi--stick em up |
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why do I do this to myself? I know what he wants when he calls. I don't always know whether I want it. I don't think of myself in that kind of a way. I just joke about it. I think that I may just be one though. What he said tonight really hurt my feels. I was trying to stand up for myself..saying what I wanted. The whole time I was thinking to myself."wtf. Say it. You know you can..just do it!!"..I did. Sorta. But it still didn't help. After..he dissed me..said I complain too much. I told him 'it's cause I'm from Connelly.' We Connnelly girls get taught to stand up for ourselves, speak out, be confident and courageous. I noticed that I have become more of all those things..but maybe I won't acheive them fully until graduation...NEXT YEAR. bummer. I could've really used the "fuck you" atittude tonight. Well..I did say that he was an asshole, and a whore. I really meant the asshole part too..and he knows it. I pissed him off again when I told him I felt sorry for him..and that when he says 'dont tell her'... it sounds like he is trying to hide me. It hurts. It pissed him off though that I would think that that is what he meant by it. I guess that's good. I don't do it for the "kicks" or whatever. ehh. I like him..that's why. When I hung out with him before I told him I didn't like Shane..then he said 'So, you don't like me..'. I almost said how do you know..I can't tell him I do. I mean, he doesn't-I'm not-whatever. It wouldn't make him happy..maybe cocky, but not happy. I think that I could be really good for him though. I mean..maybe I could be that girl that changes him..not in a bad way..but make him realize stuff, and not be an ass. Sorta like in How To Deal. I wanna be that kind of girl. I'd like that. I would feel uber special. He can be a sweet guy, and really shy. It's quite cute. But ehh..GOD. Just thinking about it right now.. I am surprised at myself. I realized that I never tell people what I think about them. I mean..suuuure I tell katie that she is a hooker..and I speak the truth, but that's not what I mean. Boys. Really..is it better to tell someone that you like them..as more than a friend when you aren't dating them, maybe you are "friends" with them..I don't like this one bit. I know what I want, But I can't have it. I know what I like, but it's never avaliable or in my reach. I have ideas that I cannot get across to other people. I have feelings that I don't feel comfortable saying. I have a bi-polar attitude that I can't fix, I don't have a "family", I don't have anyone to take care of me like I dreamed I would. The one thing in my life that made me happy and feel great left one day, unlknowingly, and was severed immediately. Nope, THAT ONE didn't give a crap. The whole reason was just so in the end I could be left hanging, heart broken..like it was felt in the heart of the other before. HEY..I DID IT TO YOU..NOW YOU JUST GOTTA DO IT TO ME. Thats the way it works riiight..someone punches you, you punch them back. This world is demented. I want desperately what I dream for. I want to get something that'll make me tingly and have butterflies like I use to. Those feelings make me feel like flying. I want it to be hard love. and the most perfect moment of my life.
Shiit. I'm beat. and I'm pathetic. I thought I was letting stuff out, but it just sounds like I'm complaining. I'm sorry. I really am. I don't mean to. I trying to fix myself.
I can't wait for later today..sayy..about 7ish? yes. I know I will love it then. Lets just say that I'll throw in some laughs and eye glances..and I'll be on my way to the better. --hah. that sounded sooo cheesey. <3 my budunka dunk
I have junk in the trunk. muah.
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| ill take it to my grave. xx. pinkie promise.xx |
[10 Jun 2005|07:09pm] |
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oh shit. |
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pretty girls make graves-by the throat |
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awwweeesome. i <3 white widow. Anywho..I like eating at denny's with friends. it was fuuunnn. <3justine<3jessie<3sal<3miguel<3andrea<3 missing... </3brittany</3katie</3...and a few more that remain anonymus (sp). That waitress was a trickster telling me that they didn't have any more plates. sheesh. bURPPPPP. Sal is in love with "hot bois"..he cannot stop telling me and j about them. hahahahahaha. Went to watch Lords of Dogtown, then hit the sandbox. {{wink wink}} Overall..good way to spend the last day of school, and celebrating being a senior.
toDAY..I shopped alot. Basically preparing for our trip. I got ipod, clothes, hand sanitizer, face cleaning stufff, purse, cds. We bought things for my family too. This is all that I know of..off the top of my head: Mom-Marival--I don't know how to spell it, sister Ingrid-around age 25 + 1 or 2 kids, 2 brothers, Vanessa-age 18, then people younger than me..like Fanny-12(in chicago), her twin brother-Oscar, and some other little girls like Norma and Ceci. I could have more..but I don't know. lol. Which is REALLY sad.
 my little sissy. awww.
I love my friends...
 she is my gorgeous bubba.
 ninny.
 my sister jess <3333
 <3 always. says the rights.
 you think it's "cocoa"..WRONG.
 sal is a woman; also justiners beaner.
 friends since pre-school. *it can happen*
 my model girlfriend. xoxo
THE BITTER END. If you weren't on there..you still are my friend. I just think those are hot pictures.
<3
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| you said i know this will hurt but if i dont break your heart things will just get worse </3 |
[06 Jun 2005|08:57pm] |
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armor for sleep-a quick little flight. |
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Pod thing leave me alone
I dont wanna hear explinations for unexplainable things.
<3 Pods and Gods.
God. I am ashamed of myself.
For all those things that have happened in my past that I could have prevented, or at least tried to prevent..bogus.
So much stuff in our lives is un-needed.
I wish I could've stood up and changed "stuff".
"Suffocate me all you need, I won't breathe but it's ok, you'll be somewhere around me, and I won't need air" I like that lyric.
From now on, I have decided that if i don't agree, or agree on something, having to do with anything, or have an opinion( that is worth speaking) will say it, because, so many times before, if i spoke up i wouldnt be regreting it now. Because the few things that I regret, are the things that I could've changed.
it's such a shame.
and most of it were things that i would have said to my friends.
anywho..yes.
i think i have to say, that i love relient k.
especially their song 'let it all out' <333
my final was wicked easy today. tomorrow..i fail.
hmm...nothing else to say...
except!
that i am stoked about thursday--maybe..sorta, ok just saying that cause i dont have to go to connelly for 3 months, not like i have a social life cause me to to be hella busy that day. hah.
i would like to add, that in my portfolio i included a picture of one of the HOTTEST boys in california. and, to make it even hotter, his tounge was hanging out... aww yes. you love it.
"..and i think i'll blow my brains against the ceiling and as the fragments of my skull began to fall, fall on your toungue, like pixie dust just think happy thoughts...we'll fly home."
i like that lyric too.
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| I'M STILL WAITING FOR YOU TO BE THE ONE I'M WAITING FOR... |
[05 Jun 2005|08:45pm] |
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FALL OUT BOY-A LITTLE LESS 16 CANDLES,A LITTLE MORE TOUCH ME |
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PORTFOLIO...ALMOST DONE. YESSS. THIS IS THE EARLIEST IT'S DONE IN THE LAST TWO YEARS.
SINCE I WAS RUDELY GROUNDED FOR NO REASON LAST NIGHT, AND HAD NO RIDE TO MY DESTINATION BECAUSE OF BAILERS, I WAS STUCK AT MY HOUSE. I HAD LIFE..I WANTED TO GO PARTTTAAAY. GRRR... THURSDAY TILL SATURDAY I CAN. THEN I BE GOOOONE. I'M GONNA GET HELLA TAN. IT'S GONNA BE INTENSE. I MEAN, INTENSE. SO DIFFERENT. FINALS SHALL SUCK, AND I SHALL FAIL. <3
WHO'S TO BLAME( ? )
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| holding your head up is hard when you just want to stay on the ground. |
[04 Jun 2005|09:15pm] |
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better. |
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armor for sleep-stay on the ground. |
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hello.
i think i found my closure. gooood.
i don't care much for summer..
i like a boy that nobody else likes.
that will make it a bit hard on me,
but he is genuine and "real".
plus hella hot.
going away on the 13th and coming the 27th ish.
i will not have fun.
my mom called me vulgar.
i'm not the one who does the hitting.
when i told her she was a hypocrate she called me a liar.
nobody has ever called me that.
I don't think understand what iM trying to deal with right now..
She just thinks that I'm being a teenager...being all the things that people hate in teenagers.
I learned everything from her..and she thinks that its fromm movies.
nooo
she's the one who cusses and says "bullshit", and "crap" all the time.
she's the one who uses her arms.
she is the liar.
she most definately forgot how it was..
although she WAS the perfect youngest child..
poop head.
I have decided that i can do it..
i put my stamp on my door.. a figure of a bat with a heart iside thats half skull..the clandestine thing. its hot.
oh.. and i went to go get my hair cut, they did horribly and put tons of products in..ugh.
i came home, and cut it myself. i like it alot.
i had a dream last night that nick vargus liked me. weiird as hell.
katie is down, and i am not seeing her at all.
my aunt comes tomorrow.
i broke 2 glass vases in 2 days. dammn.
i didnt take the sats today because i didnt have the papers..after all those prep classes. whoops.
no permit.
being kicked off right now.
goodbye.
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| The doctor gave him two weeks to live. I'd give him more if I could. |
[01 Jun 2005|08:49pm] |
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 you cant save me. |
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the ramones |
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It's times like these..
I don't feel like I know much right now.
about anything.
I'm being a drag.
I don't understand.
I guess that this is part of growing up.
I wasn't warned.
I am really trying..
Trying to not affect others into it.
I don't know what's come over me.
I don't feel like I did before.
I feel like I don't have anything to say..
Not to be rude, but I really don't.
Maybe a word here and there, but its just not there.
I haven't for a while.
I feel like life has been sucked out of me.
I want it back..I think.
Or I just want something different.
Not shiny and new,
but something that I haven't tasted yet.
I love change, but I love the old too.
I can't wait to get away from my repeatative life.
I can't look at people in the eyes anymore.
I feel, I dunno, I dont know the word that would say why.
Maybe ashamed, unworthy, scared.
I don't want people to look at me and know what's going on.
I feel like my worlds falling apart and your not there.
You say your there but your really not
I know I can't act like everything is fine.
Everyday my happiness just sinks.
I don't like Connelly,
and I have a feeling it doesn't like me either.
I really don't understand this..
because I really didn't do anything.
I don't like when people presume things immediately.
Then don't even bother to find out or ask if their gossipy minds even know the fucking truth.
Don't just sit around guessing.
I wanna get high again..
that was fucking heavenly monday.
Just remember that I saw madagascar, chill.
I was in fatburger and spit on everyone.. whoops.
God I loved that day.
Everything is over rated and over produced in my life.
smooch. xo
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| I got some purple kush. Did you bring the sand box?? |
[30 May 2005|09:10pm] |
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i wanted you for nothing more |
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saves the day. |
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understand, i don't care if i meet you
and you don't care if we meet
it's just conversation
we're not so compatible
but at least we know
and we don't care.
<3
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| why was i programmed to feel pain? |
[28 May 2005|08:47pm] |
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sad |
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horrorpops.. drama queen |
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Today, I learned that I have Athazagoraphobia and Zelophobia phobia. YUUP. I didn't realize it's memorial day weekend until today. I am offically dying my hair. I started to cut it, and my mom went pyscho..watever. I do what i do. Nobody i know has enough talent to cut it, not that i do, but i know exactly what i want, and i want it to be done right. She asked me what my dream was today, and I had no answer.. I use to, but i stopped because I knew that I could never reach them. I know that's silly, because thats what dreams are, things that you "wish up" but whatever. I want to have a realistic one, one that I can acheive and feel good about. Last year in religion, we had to say our dream, or something like that, I said mine, and everybody laughed. I cared what they thought, and i still do, thats why im so retarded about everything in life. I magnify my every move, because I dont want to be judged in the "wrong light". Im trying to not care. I know that all i should care about are my friends, and family--fuck everyone else right? I can't do that. Whenever I try, I start to feel.. I don't know the word. I should go. I want a unicorn, because fantasy is the best. Thats something I love, imagination..thats what dreams are right? I'm gonna find one.
( i forgive easily, but i dont forget. )
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| put your heart on you sleeve so i can tear it down. |
[27 May 2005|08:43pm] |
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depressed |
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relient k--high of 75 |
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i dont really like things right now. grrr. Since Wednesday, this has pretty much been the worst few days of my life, and I have a feeling that things wont be looking up until a bit into the summer. First, school..basically, if i dont do well on ONE THING, I will have to go to summer school. Talk about pressure. I have no time to do that. This summer I am packed with shit. Shit that I'm being forced to do. Then, fucking tests. Then, JoHn dying and Jon Buhler being injured. I've done something alot this week that I haven't done in a while. It felt really good. I needed to. I didn't do the lifeguard thing. I think I am a loser now. My mom has been going pyscho on me. I actually learned how to spell that word today.. 'pyscho'. I always spelled in 'physco'. Pathetic. I realized that I don't like people to talk with people. I can't say my feelings, or cry. At the prayer service today I cried, but not that much. Nobody noticed. When I got home, I cried..for about 3 hours. Then, from then until now, I have been randomly. Just thinking about it.... I find it interesting that on the way home today, while listening to my music, I cried the entire way, and my mom didn't notice at all. or at least she said nothing. Im good at keeping things hidden. Thats not a good quality though. I know that I shouldn't, but I don't feel comfortable with anybody to talk to things about. Theres just things that have happened to me that has made me not want to share things with others now. Ben and Bob's death anniversaries.. I dont know what I should call it, but its coming. June 6. It'll be 9 years. I miss him too. God. Fucking cars. "Cars are deadly weapons.." from section 2 in the law book thingy. I hate Grey Hound Buses. I refuse to ever get on one.
So much for happiness that I thought was there
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| i wanna feel like part of this is mine.. |
[25 May 2005|08:41pm] |
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 dying |
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music |
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tv. |
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i dont like it when my friends are sad. and i dont like to see them cry. i feel like im not helpful at all. worthless. i dont know what im suppose to do for them. all i know is to say itll be okay. i dont find that it is helpful at all. which makes me feel worse.
School is a biiiatch right now. I miss lucas. Im spilt between two ways of dying my hair. i hate having to chose between two things. There was a sacary man today who asked me alot of personal questions, and then asked for my number and said that if i wanted to go with him, to go now..well then.. but yah. it was really scary. I have SAT class tomorrow, and i get to see the cute mohawk josh again. Hes nice.
Summer..should definately get here.NOW. I really like Channel Islands.
bye.
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| "your mom's a man!!" "my mom's not here right now.." |
[22 May 2005|08:41pm] |
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mood |
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sorta in pain... |
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music |
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relient k-my girls ex boyfriend. |
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went to rosarito, mexico with jess. it was great. we got tannnnnnned. and just a little sunburned. just a tad. my lover for life, jessica got her hair lighter.hahaha. funnny. team america is our thing. we love watching puppets having sex in EVERY possible position (seriously). When we crossed the boarder, we think the guy thought i was a little soviener that jess brought back..hah. asking me all the questions. tehehe.
nothing else for now.
summer...so soon. so soon... <3
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fuck ya.